just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
