I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
