my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We have so much sex to catch up on
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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