Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
