My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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