Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
