I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
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He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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