At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
