Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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