ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Randomize
