would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I feel like a drive thru vagina
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
