Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
