Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My ATM looks so different sober.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
