A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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