Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
