The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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