well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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