i don't like sucking hair
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
