I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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