I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
