if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
