we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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