Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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