Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
