I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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