Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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