I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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