Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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