She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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