i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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