we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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