I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
