I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
