I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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