I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
