she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
