dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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