...so i touched it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
