i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
