dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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