just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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