Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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