God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me