Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.