I'm lost and stupid without you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.