dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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