I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.