just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
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Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
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I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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