My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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