drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
