And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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