just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
