I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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