i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
