A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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