I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
