Where did you get a picture of my penis
I am midnight drunk by noon
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
