So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
