I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You're like the curious george of whores
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize