i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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