apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
