guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
