Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
