I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
